She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
