I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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