Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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