What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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