Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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