you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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