think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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