I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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