i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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