all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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