You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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