Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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