i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We're too hungover to prance.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
