i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
