take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
