I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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