fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
