i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
