I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
