Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
