The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
