glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
