grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Randomize
