my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We left the knife in your bed.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize