I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize