Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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