So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
