I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize