You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
