Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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