he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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