Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
