I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i believe in u and ur pee
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
