I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
two words: eviction party
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
