whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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