we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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