Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
