My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
