Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
