i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
