A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
