I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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