my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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