and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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