I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
