I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
40s are totally the cure
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
