Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
