You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
