you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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