And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
