i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
