Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
