he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
