i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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