there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There's always time for handjobs
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
