hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
