my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
