Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
