I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
