i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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