3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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